Your first Christmas

Dear Holly,

On Friday 17 December 2010 your Daddy's school broke up for Christmas so he was able to spend a whole two weeks with us - bliss!

With Daddy at home with us we began to get very brave and venture slightly further afield. Because of all the snow we'd had it was really difficult for me to get out with you by myself, but with Daddy in tow, the world was our lobster!

Your Daddy and I have lived in Whitley Bay for a long time now, which means that when we go out and about we quite often bump into people that we know. When that happens, there's nothing I love more than showing you off. Everyone thinks you're absolutely beautiful...

On Tuesday 21 December you were three weeks and one day old. On the night of 20 December you slept through the night for the very first time. You were still in Mummy and Daddy's bedroom in your moses basket, so I woke up at 3am expecting you to want something to eat...but it wasn't until just before 6am that you finally awoke demanding nourishment.

As our routines we starting to get more settled, it was easier for us to understand your cries (at least your Daddy did) and to anticipate your habits. We knew we were very lucky to have such a gorgeous girl as you because some of your little friends were proving slightly troublesome for their parents, with erratic feeding times and their ability to stay awake and cry for hours and hours!

Anyway, Christmas was looming and we were totally disorganised. We hoped that people wouldn't mind that we hadn't sent any Christmas cards out - surely they'd undestand, with a new baby in the house?

On the final couple of days before Christmas you developed a nasty case of baby acne, or milk rash, which meant you had horrid little red spots all over your face. Bless you, you looked so sorry for yourself. I don't think they bothered you but you did look like a shrunken little adolescent! And just in time to have your photo taken at Christmas!

Christmas Day was hectic. We spent Christmas morning and Lunch with Nana and Grandpa and Uncle Phil and Aunty Cally. You slept most of the day, even through the present opening session! I'm sure it'll be different next year! The second part of the day was spent at Grandma and Grandad's house with the Bowman clan. You behaved impeccably, as always and we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves.


The next few days were busy with visitors and visits to relative's houses. We enjoyed spending time with our family and everyone enjoyed cuddling you. It was a very happy first Christmas.


Lots of love,
Mummy xxx

Teething problems (no, not that kind...)

Dear Holly,

The first two weeks of your life flew by. Or did they? In one way they did. Before I knew it I looked at the date and you'd been with us for two weeks. But then in another way we were so busy and sleep deprived that it felt like weeks and weeks had gone by before any semblance of normality returned.

I remember people telling me 'the first two weeks are the worst, once you're past those things start getting so much better'. And so, two weeks after your birth I woke to a feeling of positivity, knowing that today was a turning point. But it wasn't. We were still struggling with breastfeeding and you were constantly hungry. Once I started getting out and about and meeting up with people, they started to say 'it's the first six weeks that are the hardest - things will start to get easier once she's six weeks old...'.

Do people make this stuff up!?

Daddy had taken two weeks off work when you were born. I'm so glad he did. As I've already told you Daddy was amazing. He was a fantastic Daddy from the word go and you had him wrapped around your little finger the moment you entered our freezing cold, snow-covered world. But he loved it.

With us at home and struggling with the breastfeeding, Daddy took the strain of everything. He did so much for us in the initial days. I could barely walk straight because of all the stitches I'd had so getting up and down off the settee was really hard work. Daddy did all that for us. He cooked my tea, made me drinks, brought you to me when you needed to feed... he was my rock.

But then Daddy had to go back to work.

I'd been dreading that day since I left hospital and I think you knew it. My anxiety levels had been climbing and I passed that on to you.

The day Daddy went back to work, Nana arrived at our house at about 6.30am! I was so grateful to see her. You see, while I was totally and utterly in love with you, you still scared me. You were so tiny, so dependent. And I had to look after you on my very own for the first time. It scared me so much! I think you felt that because you didn't behave in the same way you had up until that day. You had the longest sleep you'd ever had and I got worried you were hungry. Stupidly I woke you up from a deep sleep to try and get you to eat something and I think you were a little grumpy about it! You spent the rest of the day crying and refusing to eat anything.

I was worried sick! But Eileen, our health visitor, told me not to worry, that you didn't look like a hungry baby and that you'd eat when you were hungry. And she was right... as usual!

From that day forward we seemed to turn a corner. You helped me so much in what was a tough week. You were an angel and you made my life so much easier.

Mummy xxx


Photo credit

The first few days...

Dear Holly,

When you were first born, Daddy and I were blown away by the depth of our emotions. We craved you. We needed you within our sight at the very least, preferably within our arms, every second. Poor Daddy couldn't indulge those cravings as I could because he wasn't allowed to stay with us in the hospital. I felt very deeply for him then.

We brought you back to our local hospital the very day you were born. We wanted you close to home, close to your family. I, of course, stayed in hospital with you, while Daddy had to come in every morning and leave every night. We needed the safety and security of the hospital while we all got to know one another. You were our dream come true, but we were still terrified by the enormity of it all. We were parents at last. What we'd hoped and waited for. But with the joy that accompanied that also came terror, a huge responsibility, nerves. Would we match up to your needs, your requirements? Would we be able to look after you properly? We had all the love you could possibly need, but that alone would not keep you safe, warm, fed.

So you and I stayed in hospital for the first four days of your life. The weather outside was awful anyway. It snowed heavily for hours on end and we were better off in the warmth of the maternity ward. There we were fed, kept cosy, supported by experienced midwives.

But I missed your Daddy dreadfully. He was there for every second that he could be, but come night time he had to leave and go home alone to our little house. He missed us too. But the strength of my emotions at that time meant that I felt a physical pain every night when he left to go home. Never before have I sobbed so hard. The tears would start at least an hour before he had to go. I don't know how your Daddy put up with me then. He was so strong, so kind. He just held me while I worked it out of my system. I was terrified of being left 'alone' through the night.

We weren't managing with the breastfeeding you see. We hadn't quite worked out how to rub along together as we needed to at that point. You'd been too drowsy when you were first born and by the time you came round and decided you were hungry, we were having trouble meeting in the right place. You were obviously ravenous but I couldn't get the nourishment into you quick enough. You soon became lethargic as a result and I began to beat myself up emotionally about it. I'm generally quite a laid back person but those few days were hard. I felt guilt like I'd never experienced before. Guilt that I was failing you. That I wasn't doing what any good mother would do. That you wouldn't bond with me if I couldn't breastfeed you properly. All unfounded worries I've come to realise. We still bonded and you're so fit and healthy that it's ridiculous. But those worries felt huge at the time. They occupied every tiny little corner of my mind and they were all I could see for days. I had the baby blues.

But even through the fog that clouded my judgement at the time, pure joy and pride burst forth on a regular basis. During the day, with people around me, I was on cloud nine, albeit a shuffling, painful, John-Wayne-walk kind of cloud, it was still clearly numbered at nine.

Slowly but surely we overcame the initial stumbling false starts and began to work together like a dream. During those four nights in hospital we mastered nappy changes, swapping the wardrobe, sleeping positions, feeding positions, you had your first bath. That was actually done by one of the midwives but Daddy and I watched on, taking in every single detail of the process so we knew what to do when we got you home. We wanted you to be safe.

By the time the day came around when we were to go home I couldn't get out of hospital fast enough. I was sick of the food, the bed, the heat of the ward, of saying goodbye to your Daddy every night. I wanted to bring you home, introduce you to your bedroom, your moses basket, your territory. This was to become your castle. And I could finally have your Daddy around 24/7. With you safely ensconsed in your basket and Daddy snuggled next to me on the sofa, I was finally in my heaven, no holds barred.

You were home with us and we'd done good!

A very good place to start...

Dear Holly,

I don't know why I didn't think of this before... but I didn't. And now you're just over nine months old and I've missed out on writing about so many of your important moments. Thankfully they're all in my head, my heart and your baby journal so I can go back and find out the exact dates of your special moments. 

What I intend to do, within the safety and timeframe of this blog, is to go back to the day you were born and tell you a little bit about every portion of your life up to date. Once I've managed that mammoth task (for there have been numerous amazing twists and turns in your story already) I'll use my blog (or should that be your blog?) to make notes, musings, scribblings about your life as I see it. I hope you'll enjoy reading it when you're older. If not, at least it will provide me with a cathartic outlet into which I can pour my heart, my thoughts, my feelings and my abstract observations.

Shall we start at the very beginning? Are you sitting comfortably?

It was a freezing, snowy day in November when I awoke to a strange feeling in my body. I couldn't quite put my finger on it but I knew, as soon as I awoke, that today was going to be different from any other I'd ever experienced. You were almost two weeks overdue and each and every hour that passed at that time was spent wondering when you'd make your move.

I managed to make it to the bathroom before my waters actually broke, for which I was grateful. But at that moment, everything started happening in a strange muffled kind of way. Nothing quite felt real. My waters had broken. Ten months of pregnancy and countless antenatal classes had not prepared me, in any way, for the actual reality of this moment. Thankfully your Daddy and I worked together to go through the things we needed to do. Call the hospital, gather our hospital bags, prepare to leave and....Go!

When I first arrived at our local hospital after my waters had broken (the day before you were actually born), the midwives were worried that you might be in distress so they measured my blood pressure and my temperature and sent me packing for the hospital 15 miles up the road, which was, in their view, better equipped to deal with your arrival safely. What followed was a slow, treacherous and anxious journey north through the freezing snow and howling wind. We followed in other drivers' tyre marks so that we could see where we were going. Your Daddy drove so carefully, such was the precious nature of his cargo that day (and every day since).

Your birth was not the easiest process but, looking back now, as the memory of the hard work and discomfort begins to fade, it was relatively hassle free. I was taken into hospital the day before you arrived and put on a drip to be induced. The midwives, plentiful as they were, were very supportive throughout the whole process. They kept me and your Daddy informed while we, in turn, kept them amused with our gas and air fuelled ramblings.

You'd spent almost 10 months nestling in Mummy's tummy, making your presence in our lives known by constantly hiccoughing, wriggling and kicking from within. From the moment my waters broke and I knew you were to become a physical, out of body reality in our world, it took 27 hours until you actually emerged into that strange, clinical delivery suite and were placed on Mummy's tummy, this time on the outside.

Once I had been put on the drip I was declared 'nill by mouth' and was therefore unable to eat any of the energy-giving treats your Daddy and I had lined up to keep us both going throughout. Your Daddy, who wasn't 'nill by mouth', and who has always had a huge appetite, had not been satisfied by the sandwiches, energy bars and sweeties we'd brought in so he asked the midwives whether it would be possible to order a pizza to eat between contractions! The pizza was duly ordered and arrived, piping hot, for him to eat and keep his strength up. He was, after all, my strength too throughout your birth.

Daddy was amazing. He was patient, caring, loving and supportive. He kept me supplied with sips of water, lip balm to soothe my dry lips, gas and air when I needed it and many a spray of refreshing water to cool my face. It was warm in that delivery room. They kept it that way so you wouldn't get cold when you finally arrived. I remember the room well. It was large with its own bathroom. I was bed-ridden by the drip but I still had time to admire the cleanliness, the space, the reassuring amount of equipment surrounding me. The blinds at the window remained open throughout the whole process and I watched, through darkness and light, as slabs of frozen snow and ice plummeted to the ground from the roof of the hospital, providing some welcome distraction from the ever-lengthening hours and ever-intensifying contractions I was experiencing.

When the time came for your entrance I'd been given some drugs to cope with the effort it was taking to help you out. I'm sorry about that. I wasn't able to do it alone. That meant that some of those drugs got into your little system too. They won't have done you any harm, but it did mean that you were very drowsy when you emerged sedately, with grace, into our world.

You were so beautiful. Every smeary, slime-covered, wrinkly millimeter of you. Daddy was allowed to cut your cord, which he did with such delight and pride in his eyes. We didn't know until about one minute after you were actually born, whether you were a boy or a girl. That one minute, while you were being rubbed down by the midwife, was long, drawn out, agonising. The actual answer didn't matter, it was just crucial that we got an answer and knew just who we had created and were about to hold. Of course, you are Holly, a beautiful, healthy and gorgeous little girl. Your Daddy's dream come true! And mine too...

Nothing else mattered. You were here, with us, at last. We loved you from the moment you were conceived, but the instant you were revealed to us in all your newborn glory, we fell in love with you. Our hearts, in separate bodies, but in total harmony, swelled and exploded with love and pride.

Our Holly had arrived...

The beginning...

Dear Holly,

Where have you been all my life?

Your gorgeous little squinty, newborn eyes opened to the world for the first time just over nine months ago and you've impacted on our lives in a wonderful and lasting way ever since.

Before you there was... Well, there was all sorts of stuff. There was growing up, there was school, young friends, University, first jobs, career progression, falling in love, heartbreak, starting again and falling in love again. This time properly. That's when I met your Daddy. And while my story before that point means an awful amount to me - after all, it shaped me into the person I am today) - it's been the journey since meeting your Daddy that has fulfilled me in a way that I never dreamed possible. You see, he joined me on our course towards you. We created you, together. Without him, you would not be the tiny bundle of incredible, amazing joy and love that you are.

And I thank your Daddy with all my heart for that. For you.

And now, since November 2010, there is you. You challenge me, you amaze me, you make my heart swell with pride, you make me laugh, you make me worry, you turn my world upside down, you are the most amazing little creature I've ever had the pleasure to meet.

I've decided to start this blog to write to you and tell you about your amazing life, your development and your awesome impact on our lives. I don't know how long I'll be able to keep it up for but I'll do my very best to leave a record for you to look back on when you're older and see how you brought love, delight and joy to the lives of me and your Daddy every day of your little life.

We love you angel