The first few days...

Dear Holly,

When you were first born, Daddy and I were blown away by the depth of our emotions. We craved you. We needed you within our sight at the very least, preferably within our arms, every second. Poor Daddy couldn't indulge those cravings as I could because he wasn't allowed to stay with us in the hospital. I felt very deeply for him then.

We brought you back to our local hospital the very day you were born. We wanted you close to home, close to your family. I, of course, stayed in hospital with you, while Daddy had to come in every morning and leave every night. We needed the safety and security of the hospital while we all got to know one another. You were our dream come true, but we were still terrified by the enormity of it all. We were parents at last. What we'd hoped and waited for. But with the joy that accompanied that also came terror, a huge responsibility, nerves. Would we match up to your needs, your requirements? Would we be able to look after you properly? We had all the love you could possibly need, but that alone would not keep you safe, warm, fed.

So you and I stayed in hospital for the first four days of your life. The weather outside was awful anyway. It snowed heavily for hours on end and we were better off in the warmth of the maternity ward. There we were fed, kept cosy, supported by experienced midwives.

But I missed your Daddy dreadfully. He was there for every second that he could be, but come night time he had to leave and go home alone to our little house. He missed us too. But the strength of my emotions at that time meant that I felt a physical pain every night when he left to go home. Never before have I sobbed so hard. The tears would start at least an hour before he had to go. I don't know how your Daddy put up with me then. He was so strong, so kind. He just held me while I worked it out of my system. I was terrified of being left 'alone' through the night.

We weren't managing with the breastfeeding you see. We hadn't quite worked out how to rub along together as we needed to at that point. You'd been too drowsy when you were first born and by the time you came round and decided you were hungry, we were having trouble meeting in the right place. You were obviously ravenous but I couldn't get the nourishment into you quick enough. You soon became lethargic as a result and I began to beat myself up emotionally about it. I'm generally quite a laid back person but those few days were hard. I felt guilt like I'd never experienced before. Guilt that I was failing you. That I wasn't doing what any good mother would do. That you wouldn't bond with me if I couldn't breastfeed you properly. All unfounded worries I've come to realise. We still bonded and you're so fit and healthy that it's ridiculous. But those worries felt huge at the time. They occupied every tiny little corner of my mind and they were all I could see for days. I had the baby blues.

But even through the fog that clouded my judgement at the time, pure joy and pride burst forth on a regular basis. During the day, with people around me, I was on cloud nine, albeit a shuffling, painful, John-Wayne-walk kind of cloud, it was still clearly numbered at nine.

Slowly but surely we overcame the initial stumbling false starts and began to work together like a dream. During those four nights in hospital we mastered nappy changes, swapping the wardrobe, sleeping positions, feeding positions, you had your first bath. That was actually done by one of the midwives but Daddy and I watched on, taking in every single detail of the process so we knew what to do when we got you home. We wanted you to be safe.

By the time the day came around when we were to go home I couldn't get out of hospital fast enough. I was sick of the food, the bed, the heat of the ward, of saying goodbye to your Daddy every night. I wanted to bring you home, introduce you to your bedroom, your moses basket, your territory. This was to become your castle. And I could finally have your Daddy around 24/7. With you safely ensconsed in your basket and Daddy snuggled next to me on the sofa, I was finally in my heaven, no holds barred.

You were home with us and we'd done good!